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Horace: Once Upon A Time
Chapter 1
Once Upon a Time...
Once upon a time, there was a dragon named Horace. That would be me. I hatched out in the usual way. My mother tells this embarrassing story about how I was so eager to get out of the shell I bit her in the butinksi, but I refuse to believe that. Later on she took me to play groups, where I learned not to scorch the other little dragons, how to play on the swings without scraping my tail on the ground – basic stuff like that.
Then came school. Not to brag, but I was pretty good at school. Aced my History of Dragonology class. Dungeons and Maidens 101 was a breeze, and whoever said Psychology of Knights in Shining Armor was hard hadn’t studied the textbook. I had some trouble with the P.E. courses, though. Couldn’t project my flame more than a couple of feet, and when it came to the Claws versus Swords tournament – I’d rather not talk about it. Maybe I was a little bit of a nerd. Okay, a lot a nerd.
But who cares? Nerds get the good jobs, and I landed a primo one. I became Resident Dragon for a human family, where the flame thing and the fighting thing wasn’t an issue. Well, maybe dressing up for holidays was a little dorky, but look at it this way – whatever the occasion, I was the one announcing it. That’s power, right?
Life moved along at a pleasant pace, somewhat on the boring side, but I wasn’t complaining, and then, whamo! I found myself on a website promoting romance novels. Suddenly I was semi-famous. So I’m thinking . . . chicks! Chicks love romance. Maybe I’ll get . . . fan letters! A fan club! Babes dying to meet me!
Wouldn’t you know, the first person I heard from following my Internet debut was not some cutie wanting an autographed picture of yours truly. It was my old buddy, Baldwin. I should explain that Baldwin’s a frog, and we grew up in the same neighborhood.
He went to a different school, though, where they taught stuff like Intro to Princess Wooing. Baldwin goofed off all through school and didn’t learn the first thing about getting kissed so he could transform himself into a prince. He’ll probably always be a frog, but you have to like the guy, anyway. His heart’s in the right place.
So Baldwin called me on my cell. “Hey, buddy, you’re semi-famous!”
I tried to be humble. “I like to think I’ve made a slight impression on a few people.”
“People? Who cares about people? Are the chicks flocking around?”
“Uh, not quite yet, but I’m sure that –”
“See, I knew it! You need an agent, more exposure. You need image enhancement. I’ll be there in a jiffy.”
“Baldwin, I’m not sure if that’s in the budget.”
“Ah, screw the budget! Do you, or do you not, want to attract some chicks?”
“I would sort of like that, yeah.”
“I knew it! Fret no more, good buddy. Leave it to Baldwin.”
Before I could say anything else, he hung up. Baldwin is something of a loose cannon, so I wasn’t sure what I’d let myself in for. But I had to admit that having chicks flocking around sounded good. And I was curious to see how Baldwin had turned out. He’d said he’d be here in a jiffy. How long is a jiffy?
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Chapter 2
The Arrival of Baldwin
Typical Baldwin, he called when he left his house in Alabama on Monday, gave me his ETA for Thursday, and then he didn’t call again until he was two minutes away. He was five hours later than his ETA, so I’d given up on him and was going off to bed.
“Almost there, buddy! Pour the margaritas and dish the salsa! It’s been a long four days.”
“Margaritas? It’s eleven o’clock! What took you so long? I thought you’d be here by six?”
“Complications, Horace. You wouldn’t believe the complications. But I’m here, now, pulling into your driveway. Nice place you got here. Love the landscaping. Nice trees, flowers . . . whoops!”
That crunch I heard couldn’t be good. Keeping my fingers crossed that nobody else in the house heard it, I went outside. There was Baldwin at the wheel of a red Ferrari convertible. Somehow he’d managed to sideswipe the house. The house is masonry, so it was fine, but the Ferrari’s left front fender didn’t look so good.
Baldwin hopped out, adjusted the wizard’s hat that had fallen over his eyes during the impact, and took a gander at the car. “Wowza. Glad it’s not mine!”
“Whose is it?”
“Borrowed it from a unicorn.”
I stared at him. “Unicorns don’t drive.”
“Exactly! But he got a great deal on it and didn’t stop to think about the practicality of the situation. I’ve been driving him around in my spare time so it won’t go completely to waste. Let me tell you, this red car is a babe magnet. That unicorn and me – I could tell you stories. Want to take a spin?”
I looked at the crumpled fender. “Maybe not right this minute.”
“Later, then. Got anything to eat? I’m starving! First I got delayed by the speeding ticket in Texas. I couldn’t believe they gave me a speeding ticket in Texas. And then –”
“You got a ticket, too?” I was beginning to doubt that Baldwin was the frog I wanted managing my promo. I have a reputation as an upstanding dragon who obeys the law and doesn’t cause trouble. I don’t get speeding tickets or run into houses.
“Actually, I got two more tickets in New Mexico. I’m supposed to report for trial next week in Las Cruces, but I figure you can call and get me out of that. By next week you’ll be so famous you’ll have all kinds of influence going on.”
“Trial? How fast were you going?”
“One-twenty. Or thereabouts. When the wind’s whipping in your face like that, it makes you get sort of teary-eyed and you can’t see the speedometer all that great. It was very cool, though. I almost outran those cops. Would’ve, except they brought in the helicopter.”
Disaster. I had invited disaster to my doorstep.
“But I haven’t told you the best part!”
I was seriously afraid to ask. “You’re going to be on America’s Most Wanted?”
“No, but you’re close. All the way across the country I’ve been passing out flyers. Even to the fuzz.”
“Uh, about what?” I had a sick feeling in the pit of my tummy.
“You, dragon-breath! Take a look at this!” Baldwin reached in the car and pulled out a briefcase. Snapping it open, he whisked out a piece of paper. “Ta-da!”
It took a few seconds before the impact of what I was seeing registered. The dragon on the flyer was me . . . sort of. I mean, it was my face, but the body . . . . “Baldwin, I don’t have all those muscles.”
“That’s the beauty of digital enhancement.” He sounded really proud of himself. “See how I dressed you in that studly T-shirt? And the shades are designer. I took that image off the Pierre Cardin website. And how do you like that Lamborghini I posed you in front of? Sweetness.”
“But . . . but I’m not anything like that.”
“Who cares? It’ll bring the chicks flocking to your door, and then you’ll wow them with your dynamic personality. Everyone wants to be associated with the rich and famous.”
“There’s something else. What about the . . . uh . . . the label you put on there? That’s not exactly true, either.”
“Maybe not now, but give me a few days, and I’ll transform you. Just leave it to the frog.”
I didn’t know what to say. Swallowing hard, I peeked once more at the red lettering across the top of the page: PRESENTING HORACE, THE WORLD’S SEXIEST DRAGON. “How many of these did you pass out?”
“About five thousand.”
“Five thousand?” I looked down the darkened street, almost expecting to see a thundering crowd approaching.
“Something like that. Let’s get inside, buddy. We have plans to make and margaritas to drink!”
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Chapter 3
The Perils of Fame
I swear that frog has a hollow leg. I matched him drink for drink, and I have way more body mass. In less than an hour I was face down on the kitchen table and Baldwin was still making notes in his Blackberry. Somehow I dragged myself off to bed.
In the morning, I woke up to the most horrendous pounding I’d ever heard in my entire life. It was worse than the time I accidentally locked myself in the dungeon when I was a baby and my father had to hammer the bars apart because I’d also swallowed the key.
This pounding was twenty times worse, which might have had something to do with my head. I could have sworn I had a bungee cord tied around it. Twice. Plus my eyes felt as if someone had worked them over with an emery board, and my tongue itched.
To put it more plainly, I felt like a turd in the kitty litter of life.
Not Baldwin. No one else was around at this time of day, so all that noise had to be coming from my froggy friend. I hauled myself out to the backyard and found him building something out of sheet metal. He had a pile of rocks nearby and he kept glancing at blueprints he’d unrolled on the ground and anchored with a couple of the rocks.
I squinted at the sheet metal thing, but the glare and my general condition weren’t conducive to figuring out what it was. So I finally asked.
“Your cave! I’ve figured out that you have to be mysterious at first, and mostly gone, to be honest.”
“Gone? Gone where? I live here!”
“From now on, you live in the cave. And if you don’t mind, I’ll take your bed. The couch is lumpy.”
“Does the cave have a bed?” I was already feeling the need for a little nappy-poo. In case you couldn’t tell, I’m not a natural-born party animal like Baldwin.
“No bed, yet. I’m working under time constraints, here, and we have to get the essential cave finished first. I’ve almost completed the underlying framework. Next I’ll need you to help me pile the rocks on it, to give it the look of a natural cave.”
I inched forward and looked at the framework of sheet metal. “Will this hold a bunch of rocks?”
“Oh, yeah. Easy. I’ve done all the calculations.”
I have to say this cave, what there was of it so far, did not appear cozy. The floor was dirt, and I was used to an innerspring on a nice mahogany frame. I hadn’t slept outdoors since my Dragonscout days, and I hadn’t loved it so much back then. Stuff was outside, like bugs and snakes and mice.
“Do you like it?” Baldwin surveyed his work so far.
“It seems a little primitive.”
“Yes, well, sacrifices must be made, at least until we have some prime candidates lined up. So I’ve designed this cave with a series of mirrors, soon to be installed, that will enhance your image, making you look more like the dragon in the flyer. In your spare time, you can watch your diet and work out at the gym, so that by the time you have to come face-to-face with my top picks, you’ll be ready.”
“So I’ll sleep in this cave thing, work out for hours at a time, and give up pancakes and coffee ice cream. This does not sound like fun, Baldy. I thought you said I could wow them with my dynamic personality.”
“I got to thinking about that, buddy. Don’t take this wrong, but you don’t have a dynamic personality. You’re a little on the boring side, to be honest. We have some serious work ahead of us. Have you taken a look out front?”
“What’s out front?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
“The crowd’s been forming since about five this morning, and they’re carrying signs.”
There was a hockey game going on in my skull. “What do the signs say?”
“Oh, you know, the usual. Show me the dragon. Bring on the dragon hottie. I love sexy dragons. Stuff like that. I’m surprised you didn’t hear them.”
“You were hammering too loud.” But now that the hammering had stopped, I could hear what he was talking about. I’d heard it before, but I’d thought it was kids on the playground at the elementary school down the street.
I crept down to the end of the house and peered around it. Omigod! The street was filled with female dragons – tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, fat ones, old ones, young ones. I popped back behind the house and sank to the ground, panting. This was a nightmare.
“Hey, don’t fade on me!” Baldwin hopped over and fanned me with the blueprints. “I’m in touch with the major networks. If we work it right, we can turn this hunt for the perfect dragon babe into a reality show! I already have a name for it. We’ll call it Light My Fire. Clever, huh?”
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Chapter 4
Courting the Media
Suddenly a cave sounded like a perfect idea – a deep, dark cave, maybe with a spiked gate at the entrance that I could lower with a remote control.
I reached for the blueprints Baldwin was waving in my face. “Let me see those.”
He handed them over. “They’re a little crude. I downloaded them for free off a site called Creative Caverns, and might I say that it’s high time for you to get wireless? Nobody has dial-up these days, buddy.”
“The rest of the family likes dial-up, so I just go along.” I glanced over the blueprints and could see immediately the cave was structurally unsound. The sheet metal would never bear the weight of the rocks. “We need steel beams for this cave.”
“They had a steel-beam model, but the materials would have been way more expensive. I was thinking we could prop this baby up using a couple shower rods, maybe a broom handle here and there.”
“Supposing I accidentally knocked over the shower rods and broom handles?”
Baldwin stroked his chin. “You might just do that. You never did learn how to manage that tail of yours.”
“I could end up squished.” But the more I listened to the ruckus in front of the house, the more I was craving the cave. “Tell you what. I have some room on my Mastercard, so I’ll spring for the steel beams.”
“You might want to check your credit balance, first. I used your card this morning when I went out to buy the sheet metal and a few odds and ends.”
I stared at him. “They believed you were me?”
“Sure. For one thing, you hardly ever shop, so people have no idea what you look like, and for another thing, I’ve been able to forge your signature for years. Whoops, there’s my cell.” He checked the number. “Awesome. It’s Minerva.”
“Who’s Minerva?”
“She produces reality shows for Ferret Cable. I need to take this. Go check your card balance, and then we’ll talk.”
I slipped into the house through the kitchen door and headed for the phone, meanwhile avoiding all the windows so the crowd in front wouldn’t see me. When I contacted Mastercard, I found out Baldwin had been a busy frog. Besides the sheet metal, he’d dropped a wad of cash at a place called Costume Mania. Fortunately I could still afford a couple of steel beams, because that cave was looking better every minute.
I’d barely hung up the phone when Baldwin came hopping in.
“We have a live one!” He twirled in the middle of the kitchen.
“Keep it down,” I murmured. “They might hear you out there.”
“Oh, I want them to! It’s only the beginning. If Ferret Cable is biting, then it won’t be long before we hear from the big guys – NBC, CBS, ABC, Turner . . .” Baldwin’s froggy eyes gleamed. “This could be big, really big.”
Little puffs of smoke started coming out of my nose, like they tend to do when I get agitated. “I just remembered. I have stage fright. I was in a play in second grade and I was so scared I breathed in while my flame was still lit and almost barbequed my tonsils. Let’s forget about this.”
“Are you kidding? We can’t quit now! We’re on a roll! There are at least a hundred dragon babes on the street dying to meet you!”
“And that’s another thing. I’ll bet you need a permit to have a hundred dragons in front of your house. Any minute now, the neighbors will call the cops and we’ll be arrested and then we’ll be handcuffed and dragged off to jail where we’ll have to share a cell with somebody named Scarface.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake. You do get yourself worked up over nothing. Let me take care of the ladies so you can quit with the smoking nostrils.” Baldwin reached into a shopping bag sitting on the floor of the kitchen and pulled out a bullhorn and a pair of sunglasses.
Then he hippity-hopped outside. With one spectacular leap, he made it to the roof of the Ferrari. “ Attention, dragon ladies! Exciting news! The search for Horace’s soul mate has been optioned by a major network as a reality show called Light My Fire!”
Murmurs of excitement rose from the crowd. Watching him, I shook my head in disbelief. There was no reality show yet, but that didn’t keep Baldwin from making the announcement. That frog had solid brass ones.
“ We’ll require audition footage from all of you. Mail your video to this address. Goodbye and good luck.”
As the dragons hurried away, I sighed with relief. One crisis averted. Or maybe only postponed. But at least the street was returning to normal.
While Baldwin made his way back into the house, I checked out the shopping bag to see what else he’d charged to my Mastercard. The bag was stuffed. I’d pulled out a black top hat and a straw cowboy hat by the time Baldwin hopped through the door still wearing the sunglasses.
“I was lucky to get those in the right size,” Baldwin said. “Try on the top hat. See if it does anything for you.”
“What’s it supposed to do?”
“Enhance the image, of course. It’s all about the image. Try it on.”
“I guess it can’t be any worse than the bunny ears.” I settled the top hat on my head.
“ Excuse me? Did you say bunny ears?”
“Well, yeah. It’s my job around here. For Easter I wear bunny ears. For Christmas, I put on this white beard and a red hat, and for –”
“Not anymore you don’t!”
“But –”
“Horace, pal, don’t you get it? You’re trading up! No more acting like a doofus with the bunny ears and the white beard and heaven knows what other degradations you’ve allowed. We’re in the big time, now, buddy.”
“On Fourth of July, I wear this red, white and blue bow around my neck.”
“Oh, God.” Baldwin took off his sunglasses, pinched the bridge of his nose and gazed at the ceiling. “I had no idea the challenge I was facing.” He shook his head. “No idea.”
“So we can give up?” Chicks would be nice, but I wasn’t crazy about what I’d have to go through to get them.
“Hell, no, we aren’t giving up! I can do this! We just need the right props.” Baldwin tossed his sunglasses aside and began grabbing things out of the shopping bag. A cape and a sheik’s turban flew across the room, plus a bunch of other stuff I couldn’t immediately identify.
Then I saw something gleaming at the bottom of the bag. “Is that a crystal ball?”
“Oh, yeah, it is.” He pulled it out and held it up. “It was fifty percent off, so I couldn’t resist. Did you ever learn how to work one of these?”
“Not exactly. It was mostly the girls who were good at it.”
“Yeah, same here. But I thought we could work it in, somehow. You could pretend you look in the crystal ball and that’s how you know who to vote off the show. You’re a dragon. The audience will buy it.” Baldwin set the crystal ball on the kitchen table.
Out of curiosity, I peered into it. “Wait a minute. I see something.”
“Yeah, right. Your future.” Baldwin kept sorting through his stash of costumes and props.
“No, really.” The image was cloudy, but it was definitely there. I held my breath, as if that would make it clearer. “It’s . . . a dragon.”
“Of course it’s a dragon, you dope. It’s you. You’re looking at your own reflection. That’s all I could ever see in those things. My own face.”
Was it my reflection? I leaned closer, and the dragon disappeared.
“Quit staring at the thing,” Baldwin said. “We have work to do, here.”
“Okay.” But I snuck another peek at the ball, and there was the dragon again! “I’m telling you, it’s not my reflection. Look for yourself.”
“I’ll take your word for it. Try on this cowboy hat.”
I reached for the hat while still gazing at the crystal ball. The dragon faded into the mist. I kept staring, hoping it would come back.
“Am I going to have to put that thing away so you can concentrate on business?”
“No.” Turning away from the crystal ball, I took off the top hat and put on the cowboy hat. “But I’ll tell you something else.”
Baldwin sighed. “What now?”
“The dragon was a girl.”
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Chapter 5
Minerva Takes Charge
Baldwin made me try on everything in the bag while he stood there stroking his chin and muttering hmm.
I whipped off the sheik’s turban in a blaze of panic. “It’s not going to work, is it?” I shoved it back in the bag of costumes. “You’ll have all these dragon chicks trying out for a reality show that isn’t happening because I’m not sexy enough to carry the theme. Light My Fire. Did you have to name it that? Sheesh.”
“We could name it Give Me a Clue.”
“Oh, that’s hysterical. Come on, Baldy. Let’s call it off.”
“Can’t. The wheels are in motion, the stage is set, the cast is gathering, the –”
“The dragon is going to plotz! Take a dive! Stink it up!”
“Maybe not.”
“Maybe not? Shouldn’t you start singing High Hopes or something? Where’s the motivational speech, the part where you tell me to win one for the Gipper?” Smoke billowed from my nose. Before long I’d have manufactured enough to activate the smoke alarm.
Baldwin coughed and took off his sunglasses. “For God’s sake grab yourself some H2O, dude. My lungs are sensitive to that stuff, y’know.”
“Well, I’m sensitive to failure!” But my nervous smoke was heading down the hall toward the alarm, so I stomped over to the cupboard and took out my favorite glass, the one with Tweety on it. Of course I drank the water too fast and got the hiccups. When I hiccup my scales rattle. “I –hic, rattle, rattle – can feel – hic, rattle, rattle – failure breathing down – hic, rattle, rattle – my neck – hic, rattle, rattle.”
Baldwin gazed at me for a long time. Then he sighed and shook his head. “All I can say is, thank God we have time to get you prepared.”
“I need – hic, rattle, rattle – about ten years – hic, rattle, rattle.”
“Nah. Ten days should do it, two weeks, tops. Ferret Cable is hot to trot because they don’t have any hit shows. But I’m positive we’ll end up with one of the big guys, and they’ll need time to work us into the lineup. I’m gonna push for Tuesday nights, but I’d settle for Thursdays.”
I gulped. The thought of being on national TV on any night of the week scared the hiccups right out of me.
Baldwin’s cell rang, and he checked the number. “Hey, it’s Turner! Could be old Ted, himself. Am I psychic, or what?” He beamed as he flipped open his phone. “Prepare for a bidding war, Hor, old friend.”
I winced. Nobody had called me Hor since the age of fifteen when the frog and I had been known in the neighborhood as Baldy and the Hor. Some names were never meant to be shortened, and mine was one of them.
Baldwin was off the phone pretty quick, and his smile looked fake to me. “Turner passed. Said he had budget constraints. Hey, I like NBC better, anyway. The peacock and the dragon – catchy, huh?” His cell rang again and he looked to see who it was. “Or ABC works.”
I couldn’t stand it. I walked out in the backyard and started gathering more rocks for the cave.
About half-an-hour later, Baldwin came out and his wizard hat was drooping. “It’s the economy. That’s the only thing that explains it. Otherwise they’d all be jumping at this.”
“Everybody said no?” Hope stirred in my little dragon heart. “So we can give up, now?”
“Hell, no, we’re not giving up! There’s still Ferret!” Baldwin punched in a number and lifted the phone to his ear. “Minerva? Baldwin, here. Listen, the offers are in, and I’ve decided to award this opportunity to an outfit that could use the boost. What can I say? I’m feeling generous. Min, you’ve got yourself a reality show!”
I watched in terrified fascination as Baldwin sold me to the lowest bidder. The only bidder.
Finally he closed his phone with a snap. “Let’s roll.”
“Roll? Roll where?”
“We gotta get this cave done and whip you into shape. She’s taking the next plane over from L.A.”
I began to shake. “She’ll be here tomorrow?”
“No, she’ll be here in four hours.”
I stared at him. “Four hours? I can’t get in shape in four hours!”
“You’re right. What was I thinking? We’ll finish the cave and install the mirrors. Then we’ll keep you hidden in the cave while I handle Minerva.”
“Yikes.” Fear of facing a reality show producer turned me into a cave-building machine. While Baldwin went to buy steel girders, I grabbed a tape measure and laid out the dimensions. Baldwin came back, the girders sticking out of the Ferrari and bags of Ready-Mix in the trunk.
In no time I had those beams set in cement. Then I cured it with a blast of halfway decent flame, and after that I proceeded to weld sheet metal. My flame-throwing instructor would have been proud. Then it was on to the rock laying. I’d just wedged the last one in place when Baldwin’s cell rang.
He answered, sounding jolly and expansive. I couldn’t have sounded jolly and expansive if I tried. I ached all over. Then it occurred to me that I might have spent a wee bit more time on the cave building than Baldwin had.
He closed his phone and glanced at me. “Better hide in the cave. Minerva’s in a rental car about a mile away.”
“But we haven’t installed the mirrors!”
Baldwin gave me the once-over. “Might be just as well. You look like a steaming pile of horse hockey. Smell like one, too.”
“I should shower.”
“You should get in the cave before she pulls up out front and finds you here, is what you should do.”
I heard a car in the driveway. “Right.” I moved as fast as my tired legs would carry me until I was huddled in the back of the cave. I had a very restricted view, but that was okay. A small slice of reality was all I could handle right now.
“Minerva, love!” Baldwin had adopted a slight British accent. “You’re looking smashing, absolutely smashing!”
“Cool it, Baldwin,” she said in a take-no-prisoners tone. Her voice drew closer. “Show me the dragon.”
Smoke built up in my chest and started to filter out my nose. I needed to take a deep, calming breath, but I was afraid I might asphyxiate myself.
“Horace has withdrawn for the day,” Baldwin said.
“Withdrawn? What does that mean? I’m here to organize a show, and he’s the main attraction! He can’t withdraw.”
“Powerful dragons need their space, Minerva. I respect that, and I expect you to –”
“Oh, for pity’s sake. He’s right there in the cave, isn’t he?”
I couldn’t hold my smoke another second. Out it came, filling the cave and pouring out the entrance into the yard.
“Oh, my,” Minerva said. “We have a hot one in there, haven’t we?”
“Exactly,” Baldwin said. “And my advice is to leave him to his . . . smoke.”
“That’s ridiculous. Horace? I hope you’re decent, because I’m coming in.”
I almost fainted. At the last minute I realized that fainting wouldn’t demonstrate that I was a powerful dragon with a mysterious tendency to withdraw, so I grabbed hold of a steel beam and kept myself upright.
Then, through the smoke, I saw her. She seemed . . . efficient. Maybe it was the glasses, or maybe it was the laptop case slung over her shoulder, or maybe it was the direct way she gazed at me. But there was something else about Minerva. I’d never met her before, at least not that I knew. And yet . . .
She looked familiar.
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Chapter 6
A Disturbing Revelation
“You’re Horace?” Behind her glasses, Minerva’s eyes were filled with doubt.
“I’m afraid so.” I wanted the cave to collapse and bury me, but I’d reinforced it too well. Besides, a collapsing cave would bury Minerva, too, and she didn’t deserve that fate. I did, though, for going along with Baldwin’s hare-brained scheme.
“I see.”
So did I. Even without a crystal ball, I could see humiliation and degradation in my immediate future. Might as well get the groveling over with.
I lowered my voice to keep Baldwin from overhearing and rushing in to contradict what I had to say. “The truth is, the frog oversold me. I’m not the world’s sexiest dragon. He was planning to put me into a training program, but everything moved so fast that –”
“Okay, okay.” Minerva waved at the smoke that was beginning to build up in the cave again. “Let’s not panic. Panic never got anybody anywhere.”
At first I thought the excess smoke was all my fault, but then I realized that Minerva was smoking, too. I didn’t know if that was from nerves or anger, but either way, I felt terrible for causing her so much trouble.
I kept my voice low, knowing Baldwin would hate this part. “Look, I’m sorry that you came over here for nothing, but if you head straight back to the airport, you should be able to catch the next flight to L.A. That way you won’t lose any more time.”
“I can’t do that.” She sounded more upset than angry.
“Why can’t you?” I noticed her smoke had a sweet scent to it. Nice.
“Horace, this is my shot. When Thor bought Ferret Cable, he put me in charge of developing a hit reality show.”
“Do I look like a reality show star to you?” The name Thor wasn’t a favorite of mine, but I couldn’t believe she was talking about the same Thor I used to know, the biggest bully in the history of Dragonhold High School.
“You might not look like a reality star at the moment, but who knows what could happen if we think outside the box?”
“I can tell you what would happen. Disaster. I’m strictly an inside-the-box kind of dragon. Besides, why work so hard when I’m sure there are other options out there, better options, sexier options?”
“That’s what you think. The reality show possibilities have been majorly picked over. I’ve been wracking my brain, and so far I’ve come up with bupkis. Thor has threatened to fire me if I don’t come up with something soon.”
“I don’t want to get you fired, but pinning your hopes on me is a gigantic mistake.” I hated to admit that, because something about her made me want to play the hero.
“I have no choice. I promised Thor this idea was a winner, and he seemed to like it. So it’s going to be a winner or I’ll be out on my ear.”
“Hey,” Baldwin called out. “If you two are socializing, that’s wonderful, but if there are any contract discussions going on, I need to be present. I handle all Horace’s negotiations.”
Minerva gazed at me, her dark eyes pleading. “Say you’ll do this.”
“What if the show’s a flop?” My resistance was melting.
“It won’t be. It can’t be. I’ll think of an angle that plays up your strong points.” She wrinkled her nose. “Speaking of strong, what is that obnoxious smell?”
Me. But I wasn’t about to admit it was au de dragon sweat. “That’s from curing cement. Let’s just step outside where we can get some fresh air.”
“Not until you promise to do this show for me.”
I was afraid if I didn’t promise and get us both out of there, I’d asphyxiate her with my stench. I knew I couldn’t refuse her, anyway. I’m a sucker for big black eyes and flaring nostrils. “Okay, I’ll do it.”
“That’s terrific!” She leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss.
I say a quick kiss because in real time I’m sure it only lasted a second. But that kiss proved to me that Einstein was exactly right. Everything is relative. That one second when her lips contacted my lips was the longest and the most exciting second in my life so far.
I’m sure to her it was inconsequential. In Hollywood they kiss all the time and mean nothing by it. In Arizona, though, a kiss means something, and I stood there thinking about that kiss long after Minerva had exited the cave. I was in serious danger of hyperventilating.
She leaned back into the cave. “Are you coming out or what?”
“Uh, yeah. Right. Coming out. Of course.” I took a deep, calming breath. Then another one. Finally I left the cave, only to discover that Baldwin had taken the opportunity of my brief absence to corner her.
He’d put on a pair of glasses, no doubt to appear more shrewd, and he had an unlit cigar stuck in the corner of his mouth. He took out the cigar, gesturing with it a la George Burns. “We’re keeping our options open, Min,” he said as Minerva pulled some papers out of her laptop case. “Therefore don’t expect my boy to sign anything all-encompassing. This one project is all we’ll give you this time around.”
“This one project is all Thor has authorized me to sign him for.” Minerva handed the contract to Baldwin.
“That’s smart of him, because it’s all we’re willing to give up.” Baldwin settled himself at the patio table and stuck the cigar back in his mouth as he began flipping through the contract. Then he glanced up at Minerva and pulled the cigar out with an indignant snort. “Peanuts. You’re offering my boy peanuts!”
I figured now wasn’t the time to tell Baldwin I didn’t care about the money. Every dragon starts adult life with a pot of gold. Some save it and some spend it. I invested mine in a 401K. My retirement was assured, and for my day-to-day income, I had steady work as a family dragon. Money wasn’t an issue.
Minerva stayed cool. “That’s what we are willing to offer,” she said, never blinking.
“I want a signing bonus,” Baldwin said.
“That is the signing bonus.”
“Then I want a percentage of the gross.”
Minerva nodded. “I’ll need to call Thor. Give me a minute.” She reached in her laptop case and pulled out her cell.
“Wait.” My curiosity was killing me. “Is Thor a dragon?”
“He is,” Minerva said. “Why?”
“Just wondered. About how old is he?”
“I’m not sure. Somewhere around your age, I guess.”
Dread washed through me. Surely my luck couldn’t be that bad. “When you call him, would you mind asking where he went to high school?”
Baldwin’s eyes bulged out more than normal. “You’re not thinking that he’s the guy you went to school with, are you?”
“I doubt it, but if he is, I want to know.”
Minerva glanced at me. “You were friends with a dragon named Thor in high school?”
“Not exactly.” In point of fact, Thor had never missed an opportunity to trip me in the hall or “accidentally” knock me against one of the lockers, mostly because I’d refused to write his papers for him or provide the answers to tests.
Minerva gave me a long look. “I’ll ask him.” Punching a key on her cell phone, she walked a distance away to have her conversation.
I couldn’t help noticing the graceful way she moved and the sexy swish of her tail against the concrete of the patio.
“I can’t believe it would be the same Thor,” Baldwin said. “I haven’t heard anything from him in fifteen years.”
“Me, either. He didn’t show up for any of the reunions.” I’d hoped to be rid of him forever.
Minerva closed her cell phone and walked back in our direction. “Thor agreed to a percentage of the gross, and he gave me a message for Horace. He said to tell you Burn ‘em, Flamethrowers. Does that mean anything to you?”
I swallowed. “It was our motto at Dragonhold High.” I wondered if Thor had recognized me from the beginning. Surely he wouldn’t risk Ferret Cable’s money and reputation, such as it was, just to get revenge on an old enemy. That made no sense. Then again, Thor had never been a sensible dragon.
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Chapter 7
A Hidden Talent Revealed
Once the contract was signed, Minerva drove off in her rental car to scout set locations for Light My Fire. Part of me hoped she wouldn’t find any, but part of me wanted her to succeed with the show so Thor wouldn’t fire her. I had no trouble picturing him doing that.
Baldwin and I didn’t see her for a couple of days, which gave Baldy a chance to put me through endless miserable hours of body-building exercises augmented with a diet that relied way too much on spinach. My scales were on the greenish side to begin with, but after two days of spinach I was the color of a John Deere tractor.
While I worked out, Baldwin chewed on his cigar while he typed up press releases and sorted through a mountain of audition videos that kept arriving by the truckload. I wanted to watch those with him, but he thought I might pick a favorite prematurely, which wouldn’t be good for the show dynamic. I also have a one-track mind, which means I can’t look at pretty dragons and exercise at the same time. So I did my crunches, ate my spinach and hoped that all this would turn out okay for Minerva, who seemed to deserve a break.
Finally she called and asked us to meet her at a place down by the freeway.
“Convenient for the out-of-towners,” Baldy said as he headed for the Ferrari. “I like it. Freeway hotels are getting more upscale all the time. I’m thinking resort with mucho amenities. Let’s go.”
It looked as if I’d have to climb into the Ferrari with Baldy whether I wanted to or not. I gulped and settled into the passenger seat. As green as I was and as red as the car was, I probably looked like Santa Dragon coming to town.
“Get ready,” Baldy said as he backed down the drive going at least thirty. “We’ll get hit on driving this car.”
I closed my eyes as he zoomed off, barely missing the mailbox out front. “Unless we hit them first.”
“Hey, you have to drive a car like this with authority!” Baldy tucked the cigar in the corner of his mouth and roared into traffic. “You watch. Everyone will be staring at us.”
I didn’t doubt it. The frog was channeling the Dukes of Hazzard. When he passed the semi with inches to spare, I gasped. When he cut in front of a school bus, I almost wet my pants. When we zoomed into the parking lot of the Sleep Easy Hotel and screeched to a stop, I crawled out on shaking legs and kissed the pitted asphalt.
Baldy hopped down and glanced around. “Don’t be discouraged, Hor. I’m sure Minerva’s planning on mostly interior shots.”
My heart rate slowed enough for me to take in the three-story hotel with its peeling white paint and missing shingles. Tinfoil blocked out the light in some of the windows and the Vacancy sign looked permanent. Underneath was a second sign announcing that rooms could be rented weekly, daily, or hourly. I may not be the most sophisticated dragon in town, but I was pretty sure anyone renting by the hour was up to something shady.
Minerva came out of the lobby and walked over toward us. She was wearing sunglasses, which made her look very Hollywoodish. I kind of liked the effect.
“I know it’s a little rough around the edges,” she said. “But the price was right, and I figure we can work with camera angles.”
“Oh, yeah.” Baldwin gestured with his cigar. “Shots by the pool, low lighting in the ballroom, stuff like that.”
“The pool has been drained. The management had a massive algae problem.”
“Ah.” Baldwin nodded. “Much better. Pools are a distraction. Dragons aren’t much for swimming, anyway.”
“That was my thought.” Minerva glanced my way. “Hello, Horace.”
“Hello, Minerva.” No doubt she was noticing my abs. I sucked in my stomach.
“You’re looking very . . . green.”
Damned spinach. “Is that a problem?”
“No, not really. We can use colored filters.”
“I put him on a marcrobiotic diet,” Baldwin said. “He’s dropped five pounds, but I’ve discovered he’s chlorophyll-sensitive.”
“You might want to switch to mushrooms, to even out his skin tone.”
I cleared my throat. “That would be me you’re talking about like I’m not even here.”
“Sorry.” Minerva turned to me and took off her dark glasses. “It’s a bad habit I’ve picked up from other producers – thinking of the talent as an asset to be managed instead of a person to be respected. I apologize, Horace.”
I gulped. She looked so sincere, and – I have to say it – sexy, that I forgot what I’d been upset about. She’d called me the talent and no one had ever referred to me that way before.
“Let’s go in,” she said gently. “We can all get a feel for the place and make some decisions.” She started for the front entrance. “I was hoping Ferret Cable would give me a cash award for the winner, which would ramp up the tension.” She paused and glanced at me. “I don’t mean to imply that you’re not enough of a prize, but sometimes a little cash can –”
“We definitely need cash,” I said. “How much did you get?” I reached out and held the glass door open for her.
She smiled at me and walked through. “Thanks.”
“A million would be good,” Baldwin said as he followed Minerva through the door.
“That’s just it.” Minerva led the way through another door and flipped on the lights to reveal a windowless room about the right size for your average wake. “Thor isn’t budgeting any prize money. So we need to get creative.”
“No prize money?” Baldwin hopped into the room and glanced around at the dark paneling and stained carpet. “If I didn’t know better, I’d swear Thor doesn’t want this to be a hit!”
Minerva tucked away her prescription dark glasses and took out her other pair. She was clumsy putting them on, as if she might be having an attack of nerves.
Finally she looked at Baldwin and me. “I’m going to tell you the truth, and if you want to back out of our agreement, I’ll understand. Thor doesn’t want this to be a hit. He announced on the phone today that he bought Ferret Cable as a tax write-off, and he doesn’t want the network to show a profit. He, um . . . .” She glanced away. “He’s counting on this show flopping. That’s why he okayed the production.”
Baldwin started hopping up and down. “That scaly son of a dragon slayer! He has some nerve, setting us up like that! I have half a mind to go over to L.A. and rip his –”
“Wait a minute.” I looked at Minerva. “Are you saying you want us to help you ruin this show?”
She lifted her chin. “Absolutely not. I have no intention of producing a flop, no matter what he expects!”
Her bravery made my heart beat a little faster. “But won’t you get fired?”
“Probably, but if the show’s a hit, I can get another job.”
I didn’t know how she was going to make this show a hit with no money and a dragon like me as the only prize, but I had to give her points for courage.
Baldwin had stopped jumping up and down and his cursing had trickled off as he stared at Minerva. Then he surveyed the ratty, depressing room. “This is what we have for a location?”
“I’m afraid this is it.”
Baldwin nodded slowly, making his wizard’s hat bob. “At least we don’t have to work around the weather.”
For some reason, that struck me funny, and I started to laugh. Pretty soon Minerva and Baldy were laughing, too. It was a good moment, but it didn’t last long. Thinking about the nearly impossible job ahead of us sobered us up fast.
“Here’s the big thing,” Minerva said. “We need a compelling reason why the contestants want to win. Please don’t take that the wrong way, Horace. Personally, I think any dragon would be lucky to spend time with you. You’re smart, and humble, and –”
“I have the answer!” Baldy’s froggy eyes bulged with excitement.
I could’ve choked him for interrupting. I was eating up the smart and humble stuff. Given a little more time, Minerva might have added sexy to my list of attributes.
Minerva gazed at him, her expression heartbreakingly hopeful. “What?”
Baldy turned to me. “Don’t you remember? Back in the ‘hood? That trick you used to do?”
I hoped he wasn’t talking about what I thought he was. That had been a series of flukes. I looked blank and prayed he had something more substantial up his sleeve.
“Don’t be modest,” he said. “This isn’t the time for modesty.” Then he swung around toward Minerva. “Horace can make dreams come true.”
Minerva’s mouth dropped open.
“No, I can’t!” Smoke started coming out of my nose. “That was pure coincidence! I can’t really –”
“Yes, he can.” Baldy folded his arms and looked smug.
“No, I can’t.”
Baldy started ticking them off. “Barnaby’s trip to Disney World, Sybil’s wing operation, Clovis’s treasure chest being returned after it was stolen. You concentrated on those things, and they all came true.”
Smoke was billowing out of my nose, now. “They would have anyway! You can’t promise those contestants that I’ll give them their heart’s desire! That’s false advertising!”
“Horace.” Minerva’s voice hummed with excitement. “This could be it.”
I shook my head. “No, it couldn’t. Seriously. No.”
“I understand if you’re a little rusty, but you could practice. We’ll help. We’ll work on this night and day. If you can deliver on wishes coming true, then we have a show!”
“But what if I can’t?”
She touched my arm. “I think you can.”
I don’t know if it was the chlorophyll reaction or what, but I felt that touch right down to the spike on the end of my tail. In that moment, I knew I would bust my scales to do whatever she asked, even if it was something I probably couldn’t do in the first place. I had to at least try. For her.
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Light My Fire
The 2006 hit show on Ferret Cable
Eight lovely dragons, all of them desperate to catch the eye of the mysterious dragon of the hour, Horace!
Only one was chosen. Only one was granted her heart’s desire through the magical powers possessed by
Horace, the talented star of Light My Fire, the reality show where you decided the outcome!
The Contestants
PENNY
Part of a large extended family, Penny considers herself a down-to-earth dragon who’s happier eating homemade
ice cream than sipping Dom Perignon. Thumbing her nose at female stereotypes, she became a top-notice
mechanic and loves drag-on racing and mud wrestling. She is hoping she and Horace can enjoy the simple life
together.
CRYSTAL
Crystal recently became a member of the world-famous Dragonettes dance team, despite an unorthodox audition.
When the choreographer requested a sample of her ballet dancing, she thought he meant belly dancing. Crystal
began to shimmy wildly, giving such an energetic performance that she got the job, anyway. She hopes to teach
Horace to shake his booty so they can make beautiful music together.
CLAUDIA
Crowned as Miss Dragon Lair at nineteen, Claudia used the scholarship from that competition to earn a degree in Finance and
Treasure Management while also pursuing her modeling career. She’s graced the cover of such magazines as
Flambe and Upscale. Her hobbies include paintball and kickboxing. She’s actively looking
for Mr. Right and hopes to find that special chemistry with Horace.
RUBY
A renowned expert in the field of dragon epidermal disorders, Ruby has patented a compound which counteracts
genetic scale loss. Ruby was motivated by her own family’s tendency toward scale loss, a condition she also
noticed in herself once she reached puberty. With the use of the compound, her own problem is under control,
and she looks forward to preventing it in future generations. Now that she’s finally free of scale loss, she feels
confident in seeking a worthy mate such as Horace.
ASHLEY
All the world’s a stage for Ashley, who has created and starred in productions ever since she was a toddler.
Community theater credits include leading roles in Dragon in Shining Armor, The Dragon Who Loved Me, Dragon Gone Wild,
and Dragons Like It Hot. Movie credits include her appearance as an extra in Gone with the Dragon. She expects one
day to land a role in a major motion picture, and she would love to have Horace at her side when her big break comes.
MISTY
Helping others has been Misty’s primary goal in life. As early as elementary school, Misty volunteered at the Old Dragon’s
Home where she spent many hours reading dragon tales to the residents. Now a psychologist specializing in
dragon neuroses, Misty is the author of Beyond Puff, Why Slipping Into Your Cave Is Not the Answer.
She believes that together, she and Horace can work for the betterment of dragons everywhere.
JADE
In the widely syndicated business column Out of the Dungeon, Jade was recently profiled as most likely to be CEO
of a major company within the next two years. Jade’s background in business administration added to a
schedule of working more than sixty hours a week make that a sure bet. She admits that her co-workers dared
her to appear on Light My Fire. She took the dare because she wants to be married but regular dating
is too time-consuming and inefficient.
CINDI
Cindi showed an early talent for numbers which led her naturally to a career in bookkeeping. Her boss at Cave
Care Home Improvement, Inc. says he couldn’t run the business without her. In her spare time she enjoys
crossword puzzles and collecting bottle caps. Her collection has grown to 1,463 caps, none of which are
repeats. She would love to share her life with a steady dragon like Horace.
Week 1
Lights, Camera, Action!
To say I was nervous the night we shot the first episode would be like calling the Grand Canyon a little ditch. Thank God the lights were dim in the Sleep Easy’s banquet room. I could hope that nobody could see my knees knocking.
There was a question whether anyone could see me, period, which was a-okay with me. Minerva kept running around, clipboard in hand, working with the light people. Too much light would showcase the stained carpet and the hideous paneling. Too little and the only thing showing on the monitor were the strands of twinkling white lights Minerva had bought to give the place some festive atmosphere.
Tonight was supposed to be a meet-and-greet cocktail party, and Baldwin was disgusted with the offerings on the hors d'oeuvres table. He stalked up and down, chewing on his unlit cigar. He’d been forbidden by Minerva to light the thing because Minerva and I were making enough smoke to create a hole in the ozone layer all by ourselves. She’d had to buy a portable smoke sucker and plug it in over in the corner.
“I knew the budget was tight,” Baldy said for the umpteenth time. “But come on, people. Kettle Corn and Gatorade? Give me a break.”
“They were donated.” Minerva whipped by and glared at Baldwin. “Don’t insult the sponsors. At least I got you champagne glasses to serve the Gatorade in.”
“Yeah, plastic.” Baldy stomped around some more. “Guess I’ll go check on the ladies.”
He’d done that about twenty times in the past hour. I tried not to think about the eight finalists upstairs in a hotel room waiting for their cue to come down and meet me. I was still kind of on the green side, despite eating about six pounds of mushrooms in the past few days. The frog and I sort of matched, which might be good TV, since he was the master of ceremonies. With luck we wouldn’t look like a circus act, because Baldy had insisted I wear the top hat and my white bow tie.
The tie bobbed up and down every time I swallowed, which was a lot. I kept watching Minerva running around and wondered if she was as nervous as I was. Probably, but at least she had stuff to do. I could only stand there while the camera guys kept taking light readings off my green scales and muttering to themselves.
The sound system wasn’t working right, either. The intro music, Jim Morrison and the Doors singing Light My Fire, was either too loud or way too soft. There was no Goldilocks just-right in that system.
Baldy came back and announced to Minerva that the ladies were sick of waiting and were heading to Chili’s for margaritas if the shooting didn’t start ASAP. Things moved fast after that. Minerva shouted orders at the camera guys and Baldwin headed upstairs to get the ladies. I almost fainted from standing still with my knees locked, but when I began to weave in place like a Weeble, Minerva hurried over and put an arm around me.
“You can do this,” she said, and kissed me on the cheek.
That was enough motivation to last me a week. Good thing, because right then Light My Fire blasted out of the speakers and the dragon ladies came through the double doors as Baldwin handled the voice-over announcing the start of the show.
I wish I could tell you I remembered the rest with crystal-clear recall. I wish I could tell you that the tape I watched later didn’t show me with a deer-in-the-headlights expression. I wish I could tell you that all eight of the ladies were so impressed with me they fought for the right to be close to my macho self.
But what happened, as I found out when I watched the tape because I had no real recollection of how it all went, was that Baldy introduced the ladies one at a time while I stood there bobbing like an idiot and saying not much of anything, and eventually they all went over to dig into the Kettle Corn and Gatorade while I stood transfixed by the enormity of it all. Because I watched the tape, I can tell you the following:
They’re all beautiful.
Baldy keeps saying that some are more beautiful than others, and I guess he’s right. Claudia was schmoozing him all night, so he thinks she’s the best looking dragon on the planet. The camera guys focused on Claudia a lot, although Ashley jumped into the shot almost every time and pretended not to know she’d edged Claudia out of the picture. I predict Ashley and Claudia won’t be wearing each other’s friendship bracelet when this is all over.
Jade was upset that no actual activities were scheduled for the evening, so Crystal, who’s the most cheerful of the group, tried to help by getting her to play charades. Jade called that a waste of time, so Crystal gave up on her and played charades with Cindi, Ruby and Misty.
Those three seem to be forming an alliance. Crystal’s horrible at charades, but she’s a good loser. Cindi’s so-so at the game, but Ruby’s outstanding. I think she might be the smartest dragon of the bunch, although there’s something strange-looking about her scales.
Penny pretty much hung around the buffet table scarfing up the Kettle Korn and knocking back Gatorade. Of all the ladies, she seemed the most at home in the banquet room of the Sleep Easy Hotel. I’m glad somebody was relaxed.
At the end of the night Baldwin revealed what our next activity would be. He’d kept it a secret, even from me, which is good, because I would have hyperventilated if I’d known in advance.
This will be pure torture for a nerd like me. We’re going to Funtastiks, which is this place that has goofy golf, race cars and bumper boats. I’m lousy at that stuff, and I get to show my ineptitude in front of eight gorgeous dragons. Oh, joy.
Oh, and one other thing – whoever gets the top score in goofy golf wins immunity and can’t be voted off the show. Meanwhile I’ll be praying I don’t bean myself with a golf club or crash one of the race cars. I’ll bet I have the frog to thank for this activity. It has his name written all over it.
LIGHT MY FIRE
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Week 2
Let the Games Begin
Great balls of fire, this is the night that one of those eight bodacious dragons gets eliminated, and I’m in a sweat. I’m also in a back brace from the Funtastiks gig. I should get it off tomorrow, but the doc advised no sudden movements or I’ll end up in traction.
So while Light My Fire blasts in the background and the eight lady dragons line up to see who gets a rose and who gets a ticket home, let me quickly recap the first group date. It wasn’t pretty.
We started with the bumper boats, which turned into a ramming contest like you wouldn’t believe. Turns out Penny has experience with drag-on racing, so she buzzed around the pond smacking people right and left, laughing like a fiend. Misty started to cry, jumped out of the boat and swam to the dock. I didn’t know dragons could swim. I can’t, so I was praying for my life.
Then Claudia and Jade decided to take on Penny, and that’s when it got ugly. Boats swamped, including mine, which started to sink. Crystal decided to sing the theme song to Gilligan’s Island, and when the camera focused on her, Ashley jumped from her boat into Crystal’s and started singing even louder, with hand movements.
Cindi and Ruby didn’t get into it much. And the water seemed to be affecting Ruby’s scales, so she quit before it was over, too. Even with Claudia and Jade hot on her tail, Penny kept on ramming and laughing, not caring if she got soaked. Thank God somebody rescued me before my bumper boat went to visit Davy Jones.
Then it was onto dry land for the racing cars. You can guess that Penny kicked dragon tail at that, too. I thought Jade was going to split her scales trying to keep up, with Claudia close behind wearing designer shades, even though it was nighttime. Misty couldn’t seem to get the hang of taking the cars around the turns, and Claudia shouted out “Loser!” which made Misty tear up again. I do feel sorry for her.
Cindi plugged along at an even pace, which is more my style. Ruby was dead last and I heard her muttering about gear ratios. Ashley constantly waved at the camera, which caused her to veer all over the course. I didn’t have complete control of my car, either, and once when she swung left, I swung right, and we smacked into each other. That’s when my back went out. But I’m not blaming Ashley. I should have watched better.
I might have been fine, except when I climbed out of my car and walked away, Crystal came up behind me. “Way to go, Horace! Just like the Dukes of Hazzard!” And she clapped me on the back. I heard something snap, and my eyes crossed with the pain.
All through the goofy golf, Misty tried to take care of me. She thought my bad golf swing came from my recent back injury, so she offered to take my strokes for me. I hated to tell her I’d never had a good golf swing. The goofy golf turned into a real dragon fight, because the one with the best score would get immunity. Jade, Claudia and Penny went at it tooth and claw.
On the sixteenth hole, Penny swung her putter in an arc and came within six inches of Claudia’s head. I don’t think it was an accident. Cindi kept score for everyone and Crystal kept hitting someone else’s ball because she couldn’t remember which one was hers. She’s so scattered, but it’s cute, in a way. Ashley posed for the cameras so much she missed one entire hole. It’s hard to blame her for wanting to maximize her chance at exposure, though. She walks just like a star, except when Claudia tries to trip her.
Then there was Ruby, who was as bad at goofy golf as any dragon could be. She might even be worse at it than I am. I had to admire her grit, though. She kept trying, and smiling. I think she’s happy just to be here.
In the end, Jade won immunity by scoring the fewest strokes, although Penny and Claudia came really close. That means one of the others – Claudia, Misty, Penny, Cindi, Crystal, Ashley or Ruby will end up with the least number of votes. It’s up to you, now. Vote soon and vote often! I’m glad I’m not the one who has to choose.
Because this week was so intense, Minerva has scheduled a lighter event for next week, a trip to the Tucson Mall. Each of the seven remaining dragons will be given ten dollars to buy me the perfect gift. Whoever finds the best gift gets immunity, so I do have something to say about this one. I can hardly wait to see what they come up with!
LIGHT MY FIRE
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Week 3
Shop 'Til You Drop
And now there are seven. I had no idea how wrenching the rose ceremony would be! But someone had to go, and it came down to the one with the least number of votes, which was . . . Cindi.
She cried. I cried, although I tried to be manly about it. She promised to send me a picture of her collection of 1,464 bottle caps. She used to have 1,463, but she found a new one at Funtastiks. I expected Cindi to leave in a limo, but Minerva said that wasn’t in the budget, so Cindi left in an Ugly Duckling Rent-a-Car. She’ll be missed.
Then it was on to the Tucson Mall shopping spree, which appealed to me way more than Funtastiks, let me tell you. Minerva, Baldwin and I crammed into a booth at Red Robin while the contestants fanned out into the mall with their ten bucks each. Baldwin and I ordered a margarita but Minerva had water. I offered to treat her since I could tell her margarita wasn’t in the budget, but she can’t drink while she’s working so she asked for a rain check.
Jade made it back first and presented me with a day-planner. The cover’s plastic, not leather, because she only had ten dollars to spend, but it’s a very complete day-planner. Days are broken down into hours and hours are broken into minutes. There are all sorts of tips for what you can accomplish in one minute. I read a few and was immediately exhausted.
Next came Claudia . . . no, Ashley was trying to beat her out. Then it was Claudia ahead, then Ashley, then Claudia. Claudia knocked over a waiter carrying a tray full of burgers and they landed with a splat all over Ashley. Ashley started throwing buns and onions at Claudia, who picked up a menu and bashed Ashley over the head. It’s all on tape, of course. Baldy says it makes great TV.
We were asked to leave Red Robin.
Minerva got the fight under control long enough for all of us to reconvene in the Food Court, but she had to seat Ashley at one table and Claudia at another. Then she sent Baldy back to Red Robin to direct the rest of the contestants to our new location.
Ashley and Claudia’s presents were sort of spotted up with burger grease. The grease wiped right off of Ashley’s, which was a jeweled mirror, but unfortunately the mirror was cracked from the fight. Claudia brought me some sport socks in fluorescent green. They had a big blob of grease on the little guy playing polo, but that should come out.
Crystal showed up next, giggling like crazy, and handed me a little bag. I was afraid to open it in public. Sure enough, I shouldn’t have. It was a fur-lined jock strap. Ever seen a green dragon blush? I looked sort of brownish.
Misty and Ruby came in together, and I could tell right away that Misty had taken Ruby under her wing. As they walked toward us, Misty seemed to be giving Ruby a pep talk about her gift. It turned out to be an ant farm that had been marked down because some of the ants had escaped. I was willing to let them all escape, but maybe not in the middle of the Food Court. I pretended to like the ant farm, though, which was at least inventive.
Misty had bought me a hand-held massage thing which had also been on sale. Misty said it was for my sore muscles, but Crystal kept looking at it and laughing. After the fur-lined jock strap, I can guess what Crystal thought it was for.
Penny almost didn’t make the deadline. She came running over, out of breath, and threw a bag on the table. I opened it up and it was full of candy – a rainbow of colors and flavors. I decided to keep the candy and the ant farm in different bags.
Then I had to pick the best one, to see who would get immunity, and it wasn’t easy. They’d all tried really hard and they were good presents. Mostly. In the end I had to pick the candy, though, because I knew I would use that right away. I’d had enough spinach and mushrooms to last me a lifetime, and Baldwin couldn’t say a thing about me eating the candy, because it was my present. So Penny got immunity.
Besides, I’ll be working off any excess flab on the next outing, which will be a horseback ride through the desert. I’m petrified. What I know about horses would fit in a one-minute section of my new day-planner.
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Week 4
Riding the Range
My least favorite part of this show is kicking somebody off. I want them all to win, but how could I ever manage eight girlfriends, let alone make all those wishes come true? I don’t know if I can even manage one girlfriend and one wish, now that I’m in the thick of this concept. Women scare me to death. Who knew?
So you voted for your favorites and left me with the job of telling another dragon lady goodbye. It turned out to be . . . Jade. She pretended not to care, but after I handed her into the back seat of the Ugly Duckling rental car, I caught her wiping her eyes. I’m not sure whether she was sad to lose or sad that she’d wasted all that valuable time. But she was definitely sad, and I hate that.
I didn’t have too much time to worry about Jade, though, because I had to dig in the closet and find my cowboy boots and cowboy hat. Minerva said I looked like a real cowboy hero but that was before she saw me trying to climb on Diablo.
All the horses started acting up when we arrived at Pusch Ridge Stables north of Tucson. It’s possible horses don’t like dragons, but personally I think it was the outfits spooking them. Claudia showed up in a leather vest decorated with fringe and rhinestones that sparkled in the sun, plus boots with real spurs that jingled and flashed when she walked. Ashley’s boots had a six-inch stiletto heel, and her cowgirl hat was covered in silver sequins. You could signal in Morse Code with that hat. I gazed out at the vast expanse of desert we were about to enter and hoped we wouldn’t have to.
Misty came all oiled up with suntan lotion and wore a big floppy hat and a red bandanna around her neck. Crystal wore no hat at all, but she’d found earrings made out of spurs, and they clanged and jangled every time she turned her head, which was all the time. As for Ruby, she wore the kind of straw hat that has a scarf sewn into the brim, so you can tie it under your chin.
Claudia informed Ruby that she looked like a dork, which set Penny off. She’d arrived in a baseball cap and work boots, and when she stomped over to where Claudia was standing, her nostrils flared and bits of flame coming out of her mouth, I thought we’d have another fight on our hands.
But then the horses started rearing and kicking, which was a welcome distraction except that Baldwin, being so low to the ground, almost got squished. Finally he hopped up on a fence post and viewed the proceedings from there. He wasn’t coming – claimed he didn’t do horses. I wished I could have said the same, but stars have to do what they’re told, or at least that’s what Baldy claims.
How we all got mounted up I’ll never know. After about six tries, I gave up on trying to climb aboard Diablo and Claudia took him. I got to ride Pokey.
Minerva announced that anyone who could sit a trot without bouncing would win immunity, and we all figured that would be Penny, our resident jock. Off we went at a walk down a dusty trail with one camera guy in the lead and one far in the back. Dwayne, our trail boss, fell in behind the first camera guy. Dwayne kept muttering and shaking his head, so I’m guessing he wasn’t too happy with this gig, even if it did mean exposure for his stables.
Pokey and I were slotted in next, and then it was a free-for-all as everybody tried to be the one following me. Misty gave up early and dropped to the back, and Ruby eventually joined her at the rear, but Claudia, Ashley, Penny and Crystal kept bumping each other with their horses, which made the horses snort and kick, which meant the trail boss, Dwayne, had to keep coming back there to settle everyone down.
Once Dwayne wasn’t in front, Pokey would stop to chew on whatever grass he could find and I would sit there sweating, both from the heat and the anxiety of being on this hayburner. I have to say, horseback riding is not a natural dragon activity.
Then, on one of these many pauses in the ride, I heard a dry rattle right beside me. I looked down, and there was a snake.
Pokey took off at a dead run with me hanging onto his neck and praying for salvation. All the other horses followed, and we raced over the cactus-strewn desert, crashing through thorny bushes and brushing under mesquite trees. How we all stayed on I have no idea, but eventually the horses must have just worn themselves out. It was about ninety-five degrees out there, so I didn’t blame them for slowing to a bone-jarring trot.
Dwayne, who was one cool customer, got us all herded onto the trail again. He even had the presence of mind to take note of who was bouncing and who wasn’t. Let me tell you, I bounced like an eight-year-old in a jumping castle. I’d lost both stirrups, one boot and my hat in the stampede. The way I looked at it, I was lucky to be alive.
To everyone’s surprise, Penny bounced, too. Turns out she’d never been on a horse before. Everyone bounced, in fact, except Crystal. When Dwayne announced the immunity winner, Crystal smiled. “It’s my natural sense of rhythm,” she said. “That’s why I’m so good on the dance floor and absolutely amazing in bed.”
I know that’s an exact quote because by then the camera guys had caught up with us and they got it all on tape. What a harrowing day. Crystal won immunity, but one of the other five dragon ladies will be gone by next week when we take a tour of historic Tombstone. Minerva saved that outing until we could all fit in one van, so it wouldn’t cost too much in gas.
I also have good news. Our viewership is up! This show may not be the flop that Ferret Cable planned on. Take that, Thor!
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Week 5
KO in Tombstone
Baldwin, here, filling in for our boy Horace, who picked up a nasty case of food poisoning last week and is still a little rocky. So to get to it – Misty’s out. Booted off. Sweet kid, but clueless, y’know? I’m not surprised you didn’t vote for her. As she was leaving she called out “Depressed dragons, don’t slip into your cave! Get help!” And then she reeled off a toll-free number. What a buzz kill.
Anyway, I offered to write Horace’s summary because the food poisoning was sort of my fault. Actually, to be completely accurate, it was Crystal’s fault. We had this picnic planned for the trip to Tombstone, seeing as how the budget didn’t include lunch at a Tombstone restaurant. My job was putting ice in the cooler.
I meant to, but while we were getting ready for the trip, Crystal started telling dirty jokes, and the one about the frog and the farmer’s daughter cracked me up so bad I left the ice sitting on the parking lot pavement. Nobody else noticed it, so we drove away with a cooler full of potato salad and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but no ice. So I’m blaming Crystal.
Minerva had a conniption and was ready to buy more potato salad and the budget be damned. But Horace wouldn’t let her. He thought the potato salad would be fine, and so did Penny, who said she never worries about that stuff. Claudia and Ashley weren’t about to eat it, and they talked Ruby and Crystal out eating any of it, too. So Horace and Penny donated their sandwiches to the rest of us and ate potato salad exclusively.
Penny’s one tough dragon. She didn’t get sick at all. But Horace, probably because he’s stressed out, ended up in really bad shape by nighttime. Fortunately we were back from Tombstone by then. It wasn’t what you’d call an easy trip, though.
The ladies all wanted to go into the attractions like the OK Corral and Boot Hill, but that wasn’t in the budget. So we mostly walked up and down those wooden sidewalks while the camera guys took footage of us doing that. Then Crystal caught sight of the Crystal Palace and decided the place had been named for her.
She barged right in and insisted on going up on stage and dancing a can-can, which was about to get us into trouble because the place had a one-drink minimum to even be in there sitting at the tables. I can’t imagine how many drinks you have to buy if you want to give an unrequested performance on the stage. Thank God nobody else was up there performing at the time.
For some reason the management didn’t throw us out, maybe because Crystal was bringing in more customers. That dragon can dance. She was also getting all the camera time, which ticked off Ashley. She got it into her head to pretend she was a reincarnation of one of the Soiled Doves of Tombstone and started propositioning the male tourists. Only she had to call herself a Soiled Dragon, of course.
So now the camera guys were alternating between Crystal and Ashley, and Claudia decided that was no good, so she became a fake Soiled Dragon, too. Then Penny got into it because she said it looked like fun. Ruby backed away from the action, horrified at the thought of impersonating a prostitute.
The Soiled Dragon thing would have been sort of cute, except that a big biker dude took Ashley up on it. He latched onto her arm so they could go somewhere and get horizontal. Horace was the first one to the rescue, but he was no match for the biker dude. His black eye looks better now, and once he gets over feeling weak because of the food poisoning, he’ll be good to go.
Minerva saw Horace go down and waded into the fight. When a couple more biker dudes started throwing punches, Ruby and Penny came to the rescue. That Penny throws a mean right hook.
Finally Crystal leaped off the stage and started pummeling whoever was handy. Claudia and I stood to one side. Claudia told me she would help, but she didn’t want to ruin her manicure. I said I’d help, too, except that somebody needed to watch for the cops, and be prepared with a really great story.
The cops showed up, and I told them basically the truth, that this fight was scripted as part of a new reality show, and we’d be out of there in no time. I also promised them both an autographed picture of Angelina Jolie.
I had to promise the biker dudes pictures of Angelina Jolie, too, and they wanted her in skimpy clothes, not just some head shot. I promised. I even took down names and addresses. With luck we’ll never see any of those people again.
We had no immunity challenge this week, so you can vote for whoever you want. I’d like to put in a plug for Claudia. Va-va-voom! Or Crystal. She tells great jokes.
Next week the activity is one of my personal favorites – ice skating. Minerva found coupons for the rink here in Tucson, and it’ll be less expensive because we’ll be down to four contestants. Horace is hyperventilating at the idea of skating, but I can hardly wait. I’m terrific at it. I don't even need skates.
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Week 6
Skating on Thin Ice
I’m a wreck, folks. Not so much physically, although I have a few new bruises from the ice skating, but I’ll say more about that later. My stomach’s recovered from the food poisoning, and the bruising left from my black eye has faded right into my new shade of green.
But the psychological part of this show is tearing me up so much I can’t sleep at night. When the votes came in after last week’s trip to Tombstone, Ashley got the least, and I had to tell her adios. This gets harder to do as the weeks go by. Although I try to monitor myself, I get attached. I hated sending Ashley home.
She must have hated it even worse than I did judging from the way she cried. If you think crocodile tears are bad, you should be standing in front of a dragon when the waterworks start. Minerva had to grab a mop. Claudia rolled her eyes and said Ashley was overreacting because it was her last chance to snag the attention of any movie producers who were watching.
Maybe so, but it was awful, anyway. Then Ruby started crying, which set Crystal off, and I tried to comfort everybody, which was impossible once Minerva started twirling her finger, which is the signal to wrap up the action. I had to stop comforting Ashley and practically shove her into the rental car while she clung to me and sobbed.
Penny put an arm around Ruby and Crystal and told them to suck it up and be big girls. They both respect Penny and are a little afraid of her, so they stopped bawling. What a night, and I have a feeling it can only get worse in these last few weeks.
Minerva won’t let me dwell on the past, though. She keeps things moving, which meant we were off for the skating rink. As I’d predicted, it was a disaster. Each one of the four remaining ladies had to take five turns around the ice with me, and whoever made it without falling would get immunity. That was so not fair, because most of the accidents were my fault.
See, it’s my tail. I have enough trouble with it on dry land, let alone on a slippery oval of ice. It didn’t help to have Baldy putting on an Olympic-level show in the middle of the rink, either. You’d think he was freaking Scott Hamilton. I kept looking at him and forgetting to watch out for my tail.
On top of that, Minerva told me to carry on a conversation with each of the contestants while we skated. Now that we’re down to four, I’m supposed to explore their innermost feelings. Now there’s a project to make a guy sweat. That kind of conversation makes me nervous when I’m standing still, let alone when I’m trying to balance on the wiggling edge of a pair of ice skates.
The only innermost feelings I succeeded in exploring were Claudia’s, because she kept us both from falling down for five entire circuits of the rink. She put her innermost feelings like this: Confidence is sexy, which makes me the sexiest dragon on the ice. I always get what I go for, and I’m going for you, Horace. Everyone else can eat my dust, or in this case, ice chips.
Claudia won immunity, and maybe she’s right about who will come out ahead on this thing. Ruby and I fell down a lot, but even if we’d managed not to get tangled up so much, I don’t think I’d have found out her innermost feelings. Instead she wanted to discuss the exact rate of velocity needed to achieve optimum balance, which was sort of interesting until we slammed into the railing.
Penny’s never ice skated in her life, but she gave it a shot because that dragon is up for anything. I made a pitch for her to tell me her innermost feelings, and she began talking about her grandmother, who needs expensive surgery on her nostrils. Before I could find out the whole story, both of us lost our footing and slid halfway down the rink, taking out skaters right and left.
As for Crystal, she said her innermost feelings involved wondering how they got such a big piece of ice through the door. I was about to explain when she told me she’d figured it out. Obviously they’d rolled back the roof and lowered it in that way. When she looked up to see if she could find the seam in the roof, we both went splat.
Now it’s voting time again, and don’t forget that Claudia earned immunity. That means Penny, Ruby or Crystal will be gone by next week when we take a hike in the Catalina Mountains. I hope it’s not Penny because she would love that hike. Then again, Ruby would be fascinated by the bugs and plants up there, and I can’t imagine this show without Crystal.
Maybe I could get the frog to give next week’s loser the bad news that they’re about to take the Ugly Duckling ride. I don’t know if I can do it.
There is one bright spot in all of this, though. The ratings are going up every week, and Minerva says she’s really happy about that. The funny thing is, she doesn’t look as happy as she says she is. Women. How can you ever expect to figure them out?
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Week 7
Hiking Mt. Lemmon
Claudia picked a really good week to win immunity, because from the way your votes are coming in, she’d be history by now if she hadn’t made those five successful circuits around the skating rink. She’s a survivor, that Claudia, and I have to admire that. Baldwin’s thrilled that she’s still around, and I have this feeling that if she gets eliminated, old Baldy will look her up in a few weeks.
The rose ceremony was another tear-jerker as we all said goodbye to Ruby. The stress must have been too much for the poor girl, because her scales fell like rain, as they say in the famous song about my ancestor Puff. I’d forgotten that Ruby had that scale-loss condition, and because of all the excitement of the contest, she’d forgotten to take her meds.
Once again, everybody cried except Claudia. She acts as if she’s just waiting until the inevitable happens and she’s the winner. She hasn’t told me exactly what her heart’s desire would be if she won, but I think I know. She’d ask to be as rich as The Donald.
With only three ladies left, we were able to take an open Jeep up to Mt. Lemmon for our hike. The camera crew followed in another Jeep. Penny begged and pleaded and finally was allowed to drive. That might have been a mistake. We took those mountain curves so fast that twice I thought we’d tip over.
Baldwin loved it, of course, but Claudia and Crystal screamed most of the way there. Somehow I wound up sitting next to Minerva, who wasn’t screaming. But she looked so scared that I put my arm around her. She seemed okay with that, but Claudia didn’t like it at all.
For the hike everyone had to wear a backpack so we could take our food along – some military surplus stuff called Meals Ready to Eat, or MREs. After tasting some of it, Crystal dubbed it Most Revolting Ever, although at least she ate hers. We had no immunity challenge this week, but Crystal said we should have given immunity to whoever could eat the MREs without hurling. Claudia wouldn’t even taste them, so Penny ate her share.
We hiked out to a point that overlooked Tucson, and along the way I had a chance to get to know Penny better, because she was the only one who could talk and hike at the same time. That dragon’s in shape.
Penny grew up in a cramped cave with her family of six, her aunt and uncle’s family of seven, and her grandmother Hester, who is the one who needs the nostril transplant. It’s a delicate operation, and the only surgeon capable of doing it isn’t part of Hester’s HMO. Penny didn’t say it, but I’ll bet her heart’s desire would be to give her grandmother that operation.
The hike seemed to go okay at first. But Crystal kept veering close to the drop-off so she could take more spectacular pictures. Once Claudia figured that out, she started egging Crystal on by telling her that if she went out far enough on the wobbly rocks, those pictures would be worthy of Arizona Highways. .
At one point I really got nervous and made a grab for Crystal, but she took that for a romantic move and started kissing me. Claudia yelled in protest and tried to yank Crystal away, and all three of us might have toppled over the cliff if Minerva hadn’t called for Penny to help her pull us back to safety. We all lost our balance and ended up rolling in some shiny green plants.
We didn’t figure out until the ride home what those plants were. I guess poison ivy isn’t the worst thing in the world, but right now it sure feels like it. I got the giant case of it, naturally, and Claudia ended up with almost nothing. Crystal says that’s because Claudia’s so mean that she repels everything, even poison ivy. Minerva dipped into the budget for some calamine lotion, so we’ll probably be better by the next rose ceremony.
I can hardly believe that next week will be our last activity, because we’ll be down to two contestants. Minerva told me that we’re one of the top-rated shows on Ferret Cable now, and Thor is furious that his plan to use us as a write-off isn't working. We’re liable to throw him into a whole new tax bracket, and I couldn’t be happier.
Because Thor’s so determined to sabotage the show, he’s slashed the budget even more. The last activity was supposed to be an evening at one of Tucson’s fine Mexican restaurants, but Minerva had to settle for Taco Bell. That’s fine with me. I like Taco Bell.
What I don’t like is the idea that one of the three remaining dragons won’t be eating there with us next week. It’s up to you, but Baldwin made me promise to mention that Claudia’s hotter than a jar of jalapenos. I have to add that Crystal’s funnier than dancing hamsters and Penny’s more generous than Santa Claus. I’m sure I won’t sleep much, waiting for your decision. Don’t take this lightly!
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Week 8
Then There Were Two
I have to tell you, Baldwin’s questioning your judgment, but frankly, I’m relieved. I can’t imagine how Claudia would have tolerated a romantic meal at Taco Bell. So I think you made the right choice, voting for Crystal and Penny, but Baldy is not happy with you. He’ll survive, though. He’s already made a date with Claudia for next week. A tentative date, I should say. Claudia will let him know.
First she has to get over being royally ticked off. No tears for Claudia. When she discovered she was leaving the show, she stomped out of the banquet room and refused to ride in the Ugly Duckling rental car. The frog went against Minerva’s express orders and revved up his Ferrari.
Minerva wasn’t happy, because all contestants are supposed to be treated alike, but I can forgive Baldwin for bucking Minerva. He wants to hook up with Claudia, so giving her a ride to the bus station in the Ferrari was a logical move from his perspective. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that he hauled out his credit card and bought her a plane ticket, instead. I just hope it wasn’t my credit card.
So off I went to Taco Bell with Penny and Crystal. Penny knows the menu by heart and ordered in no time – two bean burros and a chicken taco. I had my usual two bean tostadas with lots of hot sauce packets. Crystal took a while to decide, and the people in line behind us got a little rowdy. Finally she turned to them and said this was the most important meal of her life, so they could just back off.
That seemed to stun the other customers. In fact, a few edged toward the door. I suppose it did sound crazy, but I was flattered that Crystal felt that way. I still hadn’t found out what her heart’s desire was, and now I wanted to know.
Minerva saved us a booth in the corner, which was about as romantic as it was going to get. She put a votive candle in the middle of the Formica table, but you couldn’t see the flame very well in the glare from the overhead lights. Crystal and Penny each laid their rose on the table, and that made the occasion more festive.
Crystal ended up with a taco salad. She’d taken a long time to order because originally she’d wanted an enchilada, which they don’t serve at Taco Bell. She’d thought it would be a cool symbol of what she was going for – the whole enchilada. Penny laughed at that, but I thought it was cute. There was some hassle about where we each should sit, and finally I took one side of the booth and Penny and Crystal took the other side. I couldn’t sit with either of them because that would imply I’d made a choice. I was supposed to be neutral.
First we talked about Penny’s grandmother Hester and her nostril operation. Penny launched into some gory details until Crystal turned really green and asked if we could talk about something else. That was my cue to find out her heart’s desire. And she told me. World peace.
I couldn’t figure out if she honestly meant that or if she’d watched one too many Miss America pageants. But the more she talked, the more I decided she honestly wanted world peace. Well, don’t we all, but I had to tell her that was way beyond my powers. She agreed to settle for lower gas prices. I told her there were no guarantees I could do that, either, but I might be able to get it down a couple of cents. She said every little bit helps.
The meal wouldn’t have taken very long except that suddenly people figured out who I was and started coming up for autographs. That blew me away. Minerva had told me that we’re gaining market share with every week, but I didn’t really absorb that until Taco Bell filled up with people wanting my autograph.
Then they asked for Penny and Crystal’s autograph, which thrilled them to pieces. It was all very exciting until someone decided autographs weren’t enough. They wanted souvenirs. They started grabbing for our napkins and our food containers. Hot sauce went everywhere. Someone started chipping away at the booth, and before long, we had a riot going on in there.
The camera crew always loves it when that kind of thing happens, but I was scared, both for me and for the dragon ladies. I admit I was somewhat forceful as I stood up and hustled Penny, Crystal and Minerva out of there. I might even have shoved a couple of people. That’s not like me, but I didn’t want those dragons hurt.
Minerva whisked us into the Sleep Easy’s van which was parked right outside. As we drove around the Taco Bell toward the shopping center exit, I looked in the window and saw people trying to make off with the table where we’d had our meal. I’m not so sure I want to be famous, after all.
But it’s too late to turn back now. This is your last chance to vote, and after listening to both dragons, you should have a clear idea of who deserves her heart’s desire. That’s assuming I can give it to them. I’m polishing up the crystal ball that Baldy bought, and I’ll do my best.
As you choose, you might also give some thought as to whether Penny or Crystal would be the best match for me. One of them will have the right to some very private, very exclusive dates with yours truly. The implication is that we’ll ride off into the sunset together. Gulp.
Choose carefully.
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Week 9
And The Winner Is...
The votes are in. Baldwin told me thirty minutes ago who won and who was eliminated, and I’m standing here in the banquet room of the Sleep Easy, sweating. Will I know what to say? What not to say?
Light My Fire swells on the cheesy sound system – cutting in and out as usual. Turns out that’s one of the things that’s made the show such a hit. Viewers think the el cheapo setup is hilarious. We’re number one in the ratings, and Minerva’s already getting offers from the major networks.
Thor is beside himself with rage, which makes me happy. His tax picture is looking terrible thanks to Minerva. He may even have to declare bankruptcy. Minerva’s pulled off a triumph, and Baldy’s strutting around as if he did it single-handedly.
Baldwin and Minerva’s careers will take off as a result of this success, and I’m pleased for them. Me, I keep thinking of all the dragons who have come and gone -- efficient Jade with her tight schedule, sweet Misty and her campaign against depression, Cindi and her bottle caps, Ashley always hogging the camera, Ruby the nerd, gorgeous and ruthless Claudia. I’ll miss them all.
Minerva signals someone by the door, and Crystal walks in. Slowly she comes over to me, a smile on her face. “Hey, Horace.”
“Hey, Crystal.”
“I have something for you.” She holds up a flower she’s made out of a Taco Bell napkin. She tucks it behind my ear and gives me a little kiss on the cheek. “I’ve had a blast.”
“Me, too.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “Crystal, you’re an amazing dragon.”
“It’s not me, is it?” Her eyes are shiny. “They always use that word amazing when you lose.”
I swallow. “It’s not you. But I will always remember –”
“Me, too.” She gives me another kiss on the cheek. “Gotta go. Think of me like this.” And she breaks into a tap dance on the way out. “Bye-bye!”
Well, I’m a mess. Guys aren’t supposed to cry, but that Crystal has such class that I can’t help it.
“Here.” Minerva brings me a box of tissues.
I take the tissues and look at Minerva. Maybe it’s the way my eyes are swimming, but I would swear she’s the dragon I saw in the crystal ball the day Baldy brought the thing home. That can’t be right.
“Almost done,” Minerva says gently.
Is it me, or are her eyes shiny, too? “Thanks,” I say.
“You’re welcome.” She steps back. “Ready?”
No. “Yes.”
Minerva signals to someone at the door, and Penny comes in looking nervous. That’s a first, because Penny never looks nervous.
She hurries over to me. “I lost. I know I did. I could never beat out somebody as funny and pretty and talented as Crystal. So give me the bad news quick and I’m outta here.”
I take her hands in mine. Minerva told me that’s how it’s done. “Penny, the past few weeks have been incredible.”
“Yeah, yeah. Get to it, Horace. I’ll go quietly. I promise not to muck things up by weeping and wailing like some of the others. I’m happy for Crystal. She’s a ditz, but kind of sweet, too. I’m just sorry that I won’t be able to afford the operation for Granny Hester, but maybe if I take an extra job, I’ll – ”
“You won.”
Her jaw drops. “No shit?”
“You won.”
All hell breaks loose. Penny hugs me, hugs the camera guys, hugs Minerva. Then she punches a fist in the air and says “This is for you, Granny Hester!”
Penny’s so happy, I almost forget that I had to make all those other dragon ladies miserable to get to this point. Penny deserves this. She’s a genuinely good person, and I can see myself spending more time with her. She must have been the dragon I saw in the crystal ball, after all.
Finally she calms down enough to turn back to me. “Now what? I get my heart’s desire, right?”
“Tonight,” I say. And I’m stressed as to what the night will hold. “We’ll have a candlelight dinner at Wild Noodles followed by a romantic drive up to 'A' Mountain. I’ll bring my crystal ball and work very hard to make your wish come true.”
“Isn’t 'A' Mountain a make-out spot?”
“Uh –” I glance over at Minerva, who’s frowning and tapping her pen on her clipboard. “I guess so. But your wish is about your Granny Hester, right?”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have more personal desires.”
Adrenaline starts pumping through me. “I see.”
“You’re actually very cute, Horace.” Penny gazes at me. “I guess we’ll see how this turns out, won’t we?”
I gulp. “I guess we will.”
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Week 10
Penny's Wish
Light My Fire had turned out to be such a hit that Minerva could have booked a romantic dinner for Penny and me at any fancy-dancy restaurant in Tucson. But she stuck with the formula that had rocketed us to the top. We’d become known as the small-budget show with the big-budget heart, so we stayed true to our roots and ate at Wild Noodles.
Prior to the meal I had about ten minutes alone to work with the crystal ball Baldwin had picked up on sale. I concentrated on Penny’s wish that her Granny Hester would get the money for her nostril operation. I thought a little zing of light went out of the crystal ball, but I could have been imagining things. I decided to try some more when I was with Penny up on A Mountain.
Our date began at five-thirty at Wild Noodles. We’d just tucked into our meal – Penny with the Thai Curry dish and me with my tried-and-true Fettuccini Alfredo, when this unfamiliar dragon wearing a straw cowboy hat pushed through the door. Now, I’m not the most in-shape dude around, so I shouldn’t say this, but the truth is, he had a beer belly.
The minute Penny saw him, she stood up so fast she dumped over her Coke. “Orville!” She said his name like it nearly choked her. “What in tarnation are you doing here?”
Orville looked as if he might be asking himself the same thing. Uncomfortable didn’t even begin to describe the guy. He glanced around at the camera crew and the curiosity seekers and acted as if he might bolt.
He didn’t, though. Instead he took a deep breath and faced Penny. “I come to git you, Penny-girl.”
Well, I knew right then and there I was dealing with an ex boyfriend from back home. I stood, determined to be the dragon of the hour. “Penny’s with me tonight.”
Orville seemed more upset by the minute. “I know that. I jist don’t want her with you permanent-like.”
Penny went very still. “Why not, Orville?”
“Because . . . because I want to marry you.”
For some reason, I felt immense relief at that. If things didn’t work out with Penny and me, she had a fall-back guy.
“You picked a fine time to decide that, Orville!”
Then again, maybe Penny didn’t like this fall-back guy.
It turned out she was just getting started where Orville was concerned. “I waited around for five years, hoping you’d say something like that, but no, you were too busy with your monster trucks and your buddies over at the Brew ‘n Stew! As you can see, I’ve moved on. So take yourself back home and leave me be.”
Orville’s face sort of crumpled.
I didn’t know if he’d start crying or not, but I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him. Nobody likes to be rejected in public. I signaled to the camera crew. “Turn those off for a minute.”
They looked to Minerva for confirmation. I’d been in this TV pressure-cooker long enough to know that the camera crew loves drama, and Orville seemed ready to give them some.
I glanced over at Minerva. “Please, Min.” I’d never used a nickname for her before, but it seemed to fit this time.
“All right.” She motioned to the crew and they switched off their cameras. Then she marched over to Orville. “We’re filming right now, so unless you want to be on nationwide TV, you should probably leave.”
He trembled. “I sure don’t want to be on no nationwide TV. But I’m scared that Penny’s going to get hooked up with that smooth talker over there.” He pointed to me.
Smooth talker? I looked over my shoulder to see if someone was standing behind me.
Penny moved closer to him, as if she couldn’t help herself. “Orville, you had your chance.” Her voice had softened. “Besides, Horace is going to give me my heart’s desire, and I’m asking for Granny Hester’s nostril operation.”
“Well, that’s just it.” Orville held out a wad of bills. “I’ve been working extra hours ever since you got on this-here show, and I saved enough for the operation, in case you didn’t win.”
Penny stared at him for a good thirty seconds. Then she sniffed. And sniffed again. Pretty soon Penny, who was definitely not a crier, was sobbing. “Oh, Orville. You really do love me.”
Orville glanced around as if trying to decide if he dared say so in front of all these people. Finally he nodded. “Yup.”
Penny took the tissue Minerva offered and blew her nose. She was not dainty about it. “I love you, too,” she said.
The head camera guy groaned. “Can we please get this on tape? Otherwise we got nothing for the wrap up.”
Minerva spoke softly to Orville and Penny, who glanced at the cameras and nodded. Minerva gave the order and the cameras rolled as Orville grabbed Penny in a bear hug and planted one on her.
While they kissed enthusiastically, Minerva spoke into the mike. “And so Horace gallantly steps aside to make way for Penny’s childhood sweetheart, Orville. Ever the gentleman, Horace hides his secret sorrow at losing Penny and takes satisfaction in knowing that the woman of his dreams will get her heart’s desire.
“Was it Horace and his crystal ball which brought that about? Or was it coincidence that propelled Orville to this restaurant bearing cash for Granny Hester’s operation? You decide.”
As she finished that little speech, Minerva gazed at me over the top of her microphone. I wanted to tell her that I had no secret sorrow over losing Penny. I wanted to tell her a few other things, too, but she called out Cut, and the restaurant became a chaotic whirl of customers, our TV crew, and a whole crowd of print and TV reporters.
I was swept away for an interview with The Enquirer, and Minerva supervised the packing up. She had a plane to catch back to L.A. and she had to interrupt my interview to say goodbye. We shook hands in front of way too many onlookers.
Once she was gone and my interview was finished, Baldy hopped up on a table and clapped me on the back. “Hell of a job, Horace. Hell of a job.”
“Thanks.” I couldn’t believe it was over and especially couldn’t believe Minerva had left town.
“I’m heading to L.A. pretty soon,” Baldy said. “Got some business to transact. Wanna come along?”
I stared at him as I struggled with the concept. I’d never been to L.A., never much wanted to go. The pace was too frantic for me. “How’re you getting there?”
“The Ferrari, of course.”
I winced, picturing Baldwin and the Ferrari barreling along the California freeways. Anybody crazy enough to go with him should have his head examined. But Minerva would be over there.
“How about it?” Baldy waggled his eyebrows at me.
I took a deep breath. “How soon can we leave?”
LIGHT MY FIRE
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Chapter 8
LA is a Great Big Freeway
You haven’t lived until you’ve ridden in Baldwin’s Ferrari while he’s simultaneously navigating a crowded LA freeway and reading a map. On New Year’s Eve.
Baldy had hoped we’d head for LA a couple of weeks earlier, but then he found out that the movers and shakers all disappeared during Christmas vacation. Even Minerva had flown home to Columbus, Ohio, to spend the holiday with her mother. Because Minerva was my only reason for going to LA, I was perfectly happy holding off until everyone drifted back into town.
I wouldn’t have minded driving over on the 30th, though, so we could get our bearings before the big party we’d been invited to. Or rather, so the frog could get his bearings. As it was, his bearings seemed completely out of whack.
“I suppose you’re worried about not having a hotel room.” Baldy braced the map against the steering wheel and veered around a black Hummer.
“No, I’m worried about dying. If I die in a fiery crash on this freeway, I won’t need a hotel room. If we get to the party in one piece, then I’ll worry about not having a hotel room.”
“A hotel room would be a waste of money, anyway, even if we’d found a vacancy. These people have mansions. They’re always looking for someone to fill up their multitudinous guest rooms. We –”
“Watch out!” I gripped the dash as Baldy whipped into the right lane and avoided colliding with a slow-moving beer truck.
The frog cleared his throat. “As I was saying, we’ll have our pick of cool places to stay. We could bunk with Brad and Angelina, or Tom and Katie, or Ashton and Demi. If Paris is there, she could get us into the Hilton in five seconds flat.”
“But Minerva will definitely be there, right?” I hated cocktail parties in general, but an A-List cocktail party in Beverly Hills sounded like more torture than any dragon should have to endure. I’d tried to prep myself with a stack of People magazines that now littered the floor of the Ferrari, but it was no use. I don’t have a head for gossip.
I was going to the party only because Baldy had promised me Minerva would be there. In fact, Minerva had wangled our invitations. Parties like this were probably important to her. That meant I had to be careful not to embarrass her with some lame remark, like asking if Jennifer Aniston had come to the party with Vince Vaughn.
“There’s our exit!” The frog cut across three lanes and miraculously didn’t get us killed. Several horns blared and at least one guy flipped him the bird, but we made it unscathed. Not long after that we started cruising past the kind of houses you’d see in Architectural Digest.
“Look for this address.” Baldy handed me a slip of paper.
I found the number etched into a boulder the size of the Ferrari. As the frog used the intercom to announce who we were, I expected the person on the other end to snort with amusement and proceed to keep the entrance barred from the likes of us. Instead the massive wrought-iron gates creaked open, and Baldy drove down a lane where all the tree trunks were wrapped in white lights.
“You play your cards right,” he said, “and you could be living in a place like this some day.”
I hated to tell him I didn’t want to live in a place like this, with a guard gate that needed oiling, and servants disturbing your privacy, and an obligation to give fancy cocktail parties on New Year’s Eve. “Do you want to live in a place like this someday?” I asked him.
“Totally, dude.”
I wasn’t surprised, but I wondered if Minerva felt the same. If so, I might have made a mistake coming here.
At the main entrance, Baldy tossed his keys at a valet, adjusted his beret, and strolled up the marble steps as if he did this every night. I followed, trying to make sure I didn’t knock over a potted palm with my tail. I seriously expected to spend the entire night in a corner sucking on the olive from my martini.
It didn’t work out that way. Maybe dragons don’t get invited to cocktail parties all that much in Beverly Hills. Maybe more people watched Light My Fire than I thought. Whatever the reason, I was the center of attention from the minute I walked through the door. I swear to you, when Matt Damon arrived, he caused barely a ripple. Everyone wanted to talk to me. It was weird.
Meanwhile, I kept looking around for Minerva. Finally I spotted her on the far side of the enormous living room. She was sipping some pink drink and talking to George Clooney. That worried me, because George’s a smart guy. I don’t know if I can beat George in the smarts department. And Minerva might have lived in Hollywood long enough that she was okay with interspecies dating.
The only way I could extricate myself from the crowd clustered around me was to announce an urgent need for the men’s room. Once I was free, I headed straight for Minerva. My heart was racing, because I had no idea if she’d be glad to see me or not. Maybe I’d been only a job to her, a minor episode in the convoluted drama of her exciting life, a blip on her extremely cluttered radar screen, a – well, you get the idea.
The more I thought things like that, the more smoke leaked out of my nostrils. By the time I arrived next to Minerva, poor George was coughing and waving at the smoke.
“Sorry,” I muttered. “Hi, Minerva. Listen, George, I’m sorry about the smoke. I – ”
“No problem.” George coughed again. “Great show, by the way. I was telling Minerva how much I loved it.”
“Uh, right.” That sounded like a pickup line to me. Hi, there. Loved your show. Let’s get out of here. There was no way I could compete with George Clooney. “Nice to see you both,” I said. “I really should be going.”
“No, wait!” Minerva grabbed my arm. “I’ve been meaning to call you.”
“You have?” The smoke had cleared enough that I could see her face. God, she was beautiful.
Her oversized glasses drew attention to her eyes, which gleamed in the light from the crystal chandeliers. “I have,” she said. “But it’s been crazy. I’m working for CBS now, and the hours are unreal.”
“I’m sure they are.” But long hours offered a convenient excuse. She was probably sparing my feelings.
She glanced at George. “If you don’t mind, I need to talk with Horace alone for a minute.”
“Absolutely. I’ll go mingle. Nice seeing you, Horace.” George saluted me with his glass and walked away.
I felt horrible. “Minerva, I didn’t mean to break up whatever you had going with him. I shouldn’t have interrupted. I –”
“You silly dragon.” Minerva gazed at me with a smile. “I don’t have anything going with George.”
“You don’t?” Things were definitely looking up.
“But I . . . wouldn’t mind having something going with you.”
I was so surprised I inhaled a lungful of smoke and had a major coughing fit that brought everyone in the room running over. People gave me water and slaps on the back. Sylvester Stallone tried the Heimlich maneuver, which gave him some nasty scale burns on his hands.
Eventually I was able to breathe again, and I looked around for Minerva. She was gone.
I grabbed Sly by the arm. “Where’s Minerva? She was just here a minute ago.”
“I dunno, man.”
About then, Britney Spears, wearing the shortest skirt I’ve ever seen, hurried over. “Minerva had to catch a plane for New York. She said to tell you she’d call.”
I glanced at Sly. He’d been around. He would know if that was a ploy or not. “Do you think she’ll call?”
Sly shrugged. “There’s no predicting women. My advice? Forget her. You could have your pick.”
I was beginning to realize that was true. But the only one I wanted was Minerva and I didn’t think I could wait to see if she’d call or not. I’d go bonkers.
So I located Baldy standing on the back of a sofa while he chatted up Pamela Anderson. I tugged on his sleeve.
He turned around, looking peeved at the interruption. “What?”
“I want to book a flight to New York.”
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Chapter 9
Dragons and Frogs on Planes
Baldwin used my credit card and his cell phone to get us plane tickets for the next morning and a room at the Marriott Marquis for a couple of nights in NYC. When I found out how much all that would set me back, I decided we might as well stay at the party until morning and then drive straight to LAX. Consequently we were both a little punchy by the time we went through security.
You’d think the officials would’ve been all over me, the one who was capable of shooting fire, but no, they latched onto the frog. First he set off the alarm with the gold chains hanging around his neck, bling he’d worn to the New Year’s Eve party.
While he was taking those off, I noticed one security person checking a database on the computer. I don’t know if Baldy’s Texas speeding tickets showed up or what, but before we knew it, the security guy was searching Baldy’s carry-on. Turns out there was a magic wand in it.
Don’t ask me where the frog got that thing, but I’m betting there’s a charge on my credit card. Baldy has been playing fast and loose with my plastic.
“What’s this for?” The security guard held up the wand, which looked like a halfway decent one. I hadn’t seen one since high school when we had to buy a cheap model for our Wand Management class. I’d never been drawn to the concept of pointing sticks at things, so I’d only learned enough to pass the test.
“I’m a symphony director,” Baldy said with a perfectly straight face. “It’s my baton.”
“Which symphony?” The security guy was studying the wand from all angles.
Me, I stood there hoping the wand wouldn’t go off and accidentally cast a spell. Some of them have a hair-trigger response, especially the better ones.
“I’m between gigs right now,” Baldy said. “I have an interview at the Met, and I didn’t want to trust my baton to the baggage handlers.” |
