The Horace Chronicles

  Chapter 12
Happily Ever After

Theoretically, sitting around for a couple of months drinking margaritas interspersed with dunks in the pool sounds like la dolce vida. Take it from a dragon who did exactly that – it’s hell. I may not be Mr. Excitement, but I’m used to a smidgen of useful activity to give my days meaning.
The thing is, I’d promised the frog we’d give ourselves time to heal after our traumatic experiences, so I tried not to complain. Much.
Well, except this one afternoon, when a thunderstorm kicked up so we couldn’t be out by the pool for fear of electrocuting our worthless selves, and we’d read all the books in the house except the serious literary stuff that made you want to slit your wrists, and I was ready for a margarita refill and we’d used up the last lime.
“A margarita requires a slice of lime,” I told Baldy, choosing the most critical of the problems to tackle first.
“There you go, being picky again. I am fine without the lime. I barely noticed it was missing.” Baldy lounged on the sofa with his newly mixed margarita in one hand and the remote in the other.
I swear that frog will watch anything. He was currently engrossed in an infomercial for a gizmo that removes nose hair. If Baldy has any nose hair, only another frog would notice.
“Where’s your credit card?” Baldy asked. “I want to get me one of those.”
“Why?”
“I need it.”
“You’re worried about excess nose hair?”
Baldwin stared at me as only a frog can stare. “Among other things.”
There could be only one reason for that. Froggy was goin’ a courtin’. “But the two months aren’t up!” Knowing the frog was ready to jump the gun set me off. “You said we’d hang out for a couple of months, and it’s only been one month, twenty-seven days, sixteen hours, thirty-two minutes and eighteen seconds! Not that I’ve been keeping track.”
“No offence, Hor, but I checked out our current look, and it isn’t good. It’s dumpster diving chic, if you get my drift. I figure it’s time to neaten up.”
“For what?” I yelled.
He didn’t answer, but we both knew for what. It killed me that very soon he’d be able to hop over to Belinda’s house and pay his respects to Ms. Cutie Frog, who would probably be delighted to see him again. I, on the other hand, had no such option with Minerva.
She hadn’t called. That was the long and short of it. I’d spent every waking second and most sleeping seconds dreaming that she missed me as desperately as I missed her. I fantasized that she’d call and beg me to come back to New York. No such luck.
“So where’s your card?” Baldy asked again.
I went to get it, and as I held that credit card in my hand, I realized that watching Baldwin bill and coo with his new lady love would be more than I could stomach. “I need to use it, first.”
“No, you don’t. Dragons don’t have nose hair. You would scorch it all off every time you breathe fire.”
“I’m not using it for the nose hair thing.” I picked up the phone. “If you can order a nose hair remover, then I can book a flight to New York.”
Baldy put down his margarita and hopped off the sofa. “Dude, don’t do that to yourself.”
“Do what? How could I be worse off than I am, now?”
“I can think of a million ways, pal. Let me sign you up for one of those Internet dating services. I should have thought of that before. Then you can – ”
“Nope, Baldy, I don’t want anyone but Minerva. So I’m moving to New York and getting a job. I’ll take BlackBerry lessons. I’ll wear a tie. Get a MySpace page. I’ll learn to be a big-city dragon. I’ll do whatever it takes, because I love Minerva and I’m going to become the kind of dragon she needs me to be.”
Baldwin gazed at me with all kinds of misgiving in his bulging eyes. I ignored him and called my travel agent.
“I hate to mention this, but big-city dudes book their travel online.”
So I’d need retraining in lots of things. That was okay. After Grace at the travel agency confirmed my flight, I handed Baldwin the phone. “Make it quick. I’ll need my credit card when I head for Circuit City.”
The frog looked at me as if I’d gone crazy. “What’s at Circuit City?”
“My BlackBerry.”
“Okay, forget the nose hair thing.” Baldy tossed the credit card at me. “I’m going with you. No way can you be trusted to shop in Circuit City all by yourself.”
Truth be told, I was glad he’d offered. I could easily come home with a RedBerry and not know the difference. I opened the front door, ready to take on technology with the help of my froggy friend. And there, standing with one claw raised to ring the bell, was Minerva.
I grew dizzy and almost fainted. Couldn’t say a word, either. Just stood there with my face hanging out, as they say.
Minerva, however, had plenty to say. Smoke billowed from her nostrils as she waved a claw at me. “See here, Horace, this is the new millennium. We don’t have to make a choice between the big city and suburbia. We can have both! I’ll pursue my career and you’ll be the house-dragon and raise the little dragonettes. With a little imagination, we can –”
“You want little dragonettes?” If so, I had to remember every detail of this moment, because the little dragonettes would want to hear it over and over.
“Of course I do, you big dope. I love you and I want us to be together. I’m no good without you and from the looks of you, you’re not so good without me, either.”
I was suddenly aware that my scales weren’t polished and my claws hadn’t been trimmed in weeks. Plus I had tequila breath. “Minerva, can you give me five minutes to freshen up?”
“Hell, no.” Then she launched herself at me. “Kiss me, you unpolished dragon. I love you just the way you are.”
Of course I kissed her. What fool wouldn’t? We kissed so much we set off the smoke alarm and Baldy threatened to turn the garden hose on us.
“So you’re happy I showed up?” Minerva asked.
“God, yes,” I managed to choke out. “I love you so much.”
“Good. Then let’s set the date.”
I almost fainted again. “We’re really getting married?”
She nudged my snout with hers. “Unless you want to live in sin.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Baldy said. “Like anybody worries about that anymore. But marriage would be a nice touch. I say go with it.”
I decided that for once, the frog was right.

POSTSCRIPT FROM BALDWIN

I’m happy to report that my pal Horace and his lovely bride Minerva did the deed on a hot summer day in a ceremony down by the pool. Horace’s family set up a really classy arched trellis and decorated it with flowers and ribbons and stuff.
Prior to the ceremony, Horace was as nervous as a frog in a Cajun restaurant until I stared kidding around with him about how to liven up the same ‘ol, same ‘ol.
I gave him a nudge. “Hey, when it comes to the I do part, you should say I dooby-doo, dude.”
That cracked him up, which was my intention. It was not my intention to actually have him say that at the critical time, but . . . he did. Minerva almost shit a brick, but then she started to laugh, and so did everybody else, even the preacher.
Finally they came to the kissing section of the event. That’s when the problems started. When Horace and Minerva get serious about kissing, you can count on smoke and a few flames. About that time, the wooden trellis decorated with ribbons began to look like a really bad idea. Sure enough, it caught fire, which wouldn’t have been too awful if the tree above it hadn’t also caught fire.
We threw the trellis in the pool, but somebody called the fire department on account of the blazing tree. By the time they showed up we’d turned a hose on that puppy and it was smoldering and no biggie. The fire dudes poked around the tree a while, and personally I think they were hoping for cake. Minerva decided to cut it early and give them some.
No media showed up, and I was bummed about that. Horace made me promise not to tip them off, so I didn’t, and sure enough, they couldn’t dig it out for themselves. I would’ve liked one of the networks to bust in and start filming, mainly to impress Fiona, my girlfriend.
Fiona so out of that living-with-Belinda stage. Fiona is hot. I’m not rushing into matrimony, though. I’m thinking we should tour Europe, see how it goes. But for Horace and Minerva, it was the right move. They’re in L-U-V. I just hope they have fire insurance.

THE END